Tsar Birthday: Burning Oil, Military Failures and Economic Collapse

Kyiv just declared an air raid alert about ten minutes ago, but Tsar Birthday has practically ended. As we already know, the militaries couldn’t bake Pootin any outstanding gifts. Sure, they trained schoolchildren and kindergarteners to record birthday greetings on camera — a sad tradition that says everything about their moral decay. The propaganda channels played these clips all day long, pretending that the trembling voices of frightened kids could somehow replace actual battlefield success.

But that’s not what the tsar expected — not at all. He wanted military victories. For several weeks leading up to this day, the front line witnessed mass events in the “Let’s Make Grandpa Happy” style — desperate offensives staged purely for symbolic effect. Each assault looked less like strategy and more like a suicidal tribute to a cult leader who has long lost touch with reality.

Grandpa’s Gift: Suicide Instructions

Small groups of enemy assault troops would seep through the front line to stand with an unfurled aquafresh* near some easily geolocatable spot in a settlement, while a reconnaissance drone filmed everything, and reports about capturing yet another settlement went upstream.

In the overwhelming majority of cases, these “flag-planters” are either caught or eliminated, but grandpa’s already been pleased, and that’s the main thing. Moreover, these assault troops understand perfectly well why they’re doing this, just as they understand it might be the last thing they do. Furthermore, such operatives are strictly forbidden to surrender.

If the threat becomes inevitable, these “runners” must commit harakiri with a grenade. To ensure everything is done correctly, there’s a step-by-step instruction that looks like this:

Reading this text, you come to the conclusion that the occupiers are only multiplying their suffering, when they could have avoided all of this if they’d simply used this guide without waiting for assaults, trenches, and firing squads.

Just imagine — all 600,000 of them could put an imaginary “Done” checkmark after each point at once, and the planet would be cleaner. Unfortunately, that’s not happening. By the way, Pootin himself would do well to follow these instructions.

Non-Stop Disco: Oil Burns, Air Defense Fails

On Khuilo’s birthday, the oil depot in Feodosia continues to burn. New tanks join the fireworks one by one, so the disco goes non-stop. Refineries in the European part of the swamps have either shut down completely or lost up to half their capacity.

Moreover, this fate hasn’t spared even Putin’s own plant in Kirishi. Air defense literally folds every single day. What’s most depressing? Video reports get posted online showing how soldiers destroy the “world’s best” anti-aircraft missile systems. Plus, sometime before his birthday, Sochi got hit twice while he was there.

Tsar Birthday: Purge Season Begins

In short, Khuilo has never received birthday greetings like these before. History is silent about what was reported to him today regarding the state of affairs in the energy sector—he demanded such a report yesterday, but today, messages like this came from the depths of the swamps:

Sources in the Presidential Administration informed us that Andrei Belousov has agreed with the president on the dismissal of at least three more influential generals from the Ministry of Defense. Several other high-ranking military officials are under threat of criminal prosecution. This includes members of Valery Gerasimov’s inner circle.

Clearly, neither corruption nor gigantic losses have anything to do with it. It’s simpler than that: the bastards failed to satisfy grandpa with spectacular captures and victories. The absence of any victory whatsoever, grandpa perceived as a personal insult and a spit on his shiny bald head. And grandpa has always been vindictive and spiteful, especially in current circumstances.

From Economic Growth to Bread Lines

Well, and on top of that, things aren’t going well inside the swamps either. After all, the tsar was impressively juggling numbers and percentages, explaining how the economy was growing and sanctions weren’t working, and now a decision about introducing food ration cards has been placed on his desk. At least, that’s what an anonymous source from his administration reports:

There are a number of pros and cons to food ration cards. Much will depend on whether the strikes on our refineries continue, whether fuel becomes even more expensive, and how this affects other prices. It’s already clear that by the end of the year there will be more people who will find it difficult to buy groceries. And the New Year isn’t far off—it would be a shame if someone doesn’t have enough money for a holiday table. And we obviously need to do something about this. So we’ll be thinking, and Vladimir Vladimirovich will make the best decision in this situation.

In this case, Khuilo’s quote would be particularly appropriate: “Everything is going according to plan.” What do you think—should we wish Khuilo a continuation of such a plan for his Tsar Birthday?

*Aquafresh – sarcastic term widely used among Ukrainian soldiers to describe the occupiers’ flag. Refers to the tricolor resemblance to the Aquafresh toothpaste stripes.