April 1 war digest: from Downed Aircraft to Bald Ultimatum

April 1, 2026April 2, 2026

Let’s start April 1 war digest with yesterday’s massive explosion and the fire that followed at the Nizhnekamsk chemical plant. What makes this incident worth noting isn’t the blast itself — it’s the explanation offered by the local gauleiter. According to him, it was all caused by an equipment malfunction. Whether that’s true doesn’t matter right now. Just file that explanation away for later.

Later that evening, the Orcs’¹ military Telegram channel “Fighterbomber” published a post with its standard send-off for fallen pilots — “Eternal flight, brother” — accompanied by a portrait of a Su-34 frontline bomber. No further details. Nothing about what happened to the plane, nothing about who exactly “the brother” was.

By morning, the author still hadn’t shared what sent that aircraft into its eternal flight. Notably, Ukraine’s General Staff hadn’t updated the aircraft column in their daily tally — which indirectly suggests this wasn’t our work.

Still, the Su-34 is worth a mention. It’s the Orcs’ latest frontline bomber — officially listed among their Anala Govnet² arsenal, the kind they describe as the most advanced aircraft of its class in the world. Stuffed to the brim with the latest technology that Russian science and industry can produce. And yes — these are the same planes dropping glide bombs on Ukrainian cities.

Two Planes Down in One Day

Hot on the heels of the Su-34, a second Orc aircraft hit the ground. Enemy media reported that an An-26 transport plane crashed in temporarily occupied Crimea. Better-informed sources placed the crash site at Fiolent — an area where the enemy concentrates air defense assets, electronic warfare systems, and related hardware. The cause of the crash remains officially unknown, though the enemy firmly rules out the possibility that Ukrainian forces had anything to do with it.

According to enemy press, the An-26 was carrying personnel — around 30 of them — who ended up at a Kobzon concert in hell. Which raises an obvious question: what kind of personnel gets flown by plane rather than driven? Regular soldiers don’t get that treatment.

So here’s an interesting coincidence. If you believe enemy propaganda, a chemical plant, a frontline bomber, and a transport aircraft all suffered equipment malfunctions — on the same day.

The Propaganda Lost Its Edge

No April 1 war digest would be complete without Russian propaganda. Kremlin information outlets have clearly lost their momentum. The energy is gone. Kremlin information outlets have clearly lost their momentum. The energy is gone. They’re still justifying the war and the genocide of Ukrainians. They’re still calling for fighting to the victorious end — though it’s increasingly unclear whose “end” they’re talking about. But they’re watching what’s happening to its oil industry with quiet horror. They’re not panicking openly only because public panic comes with criminal consequences. So their press, choosing its words very carefully, writes the following:

Rosneft — Russia’s largest extraction company, accounting for one in every two barrels pumped from the ground — saw its net profit fall nearly fourfold in 2025… In response, the oil producers were forced to cut output, and annual volumes dropped to a 16-year low of 512 million tonnes. Rosneft’s production, according to its financial statements, fell 2%, to 181.1 million tonnes.

Putin’s personal friend and Rosneft CEO sadly discusses “troubling industry trends” and what might be done about them. Note that even figures this close to the Führer don’t dare say “your war is going to put us all in the ground.” So instead they talk about sanctions, unfavorable market conditions, and similar vague grievances. Not a word about the fact that Ukraine’s Defense Forces are cutting into oil assets with increasing precision — and that this particular trend looks darkest of all. Because the growing number of strikes, and above all their escalating severity, gives a pretty clear picture of what tomorrow holds. And that picture is grim.

April Fools’ Day or Just Another Fool?

Our own sources report that despite the difference in hair coverage, putin has decided to cosplay Trump — specifically the part where Trump loves issuing ultimatums. Donnie always backs his ultimatums with a deadline. Usually two weeks.

So the bald little cretin apparently decided to channel his inner Donnie and announced that Ukraine has one month to withdraw its forces from Donbas. Or else — what, exactly? Is putin going to foul the air in his bunker again? Or perhaps open one of his secret briefcases, scoop out the contents, and apply a tactical coat of brown camouflage to his shiny head?

The Armed Forces of Ukraine could certainly respond right now with “Don’t wait — start painting.” But we’ve got some unfinished business at his ports and refineries, so fine — let it be a month. Or two.

When the Rabid Federation start crumbling the way the USSR once did, when the invaders begin crawling back into their kennel and Ukraine’s Defense Forces finish clearing our territory — April 1st will carry a very different meaning than it does today.

¹Orcs – a common term for Russians who support or participate in the armed aggression against Ukraine. Dehumanizing? Yes. Accurate? Also yes.

²Anala Govnet – wordplay in Russian language: “analagov net” / “anala govnet”. Depending on spacing, it can mean either “no analogs” or “anal sex with shit”. Used ironically for Orc things that never live up to the hype. Example: Lada cars.